6 Common Gaslighting Phrases and How to Respond

#6 —” I was only joking.”

Most people know that if you are delivering bad news, you shouldn’t make jokes. There’s a reason why coroners and cardiologists are not known for their sense of humor.

So let’s start with a disclaimer: This story isn’t very funny.

When I was dating Roberto,* I always suspected he had relationship wanderlust. We all have it to some degree. With hookup culture, everyone is juggling a roster of partners, so no one gives anyone their full attention. And let’s face it…to be a great lover, you have to pay attention.

So one night, I finally had enough liquid courage (bourbon) to ask him the dreaded intimacy question — are you having sex with anyone else?

To be fair, we had never discussed exclusivity. But after eight months, I assumed he wasn’t sleeping with other people. (Never assume that.) He was also pretty inebriated, so this probably wasn’t the best time to broach this subject. But if you want the truth, either ask a drunk person or a baby. Neither can lie.

Thus, he gave my question about as much deliberation as a baby does when rejecting peas. Without missing a beat, he responded…

“Only two people.”

“Excuse me? ONLY two people??” I parroted back.

(Let’s be honest, if he was confessing to two…there were probably at least four.)

The room emptied of oxygen, and bile filled my mouth. I made a lame excuse and left without him. I needed time to think. The next day was somber — like a pantomime hanging himself sort of somber.

Because there was a thirteen-year age gap (in the wrong direction) between us, I told Roberto on our first date that polyamory was not part of my DNA and I was looking for a relationship. So his confession was a deal-breaker and a safety issue. But when I explained why non-monogamous relationships make me wildly uncomfortable, he responded with the worst possible response.

“I was just joking.”

Now guys, when you hurt a woman either through malice or misunderstanding, you can respond with aplomb or a bomb. This “I was just joking” bullshit was a cherry bomb.

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