Not A Day Goes By

Surviving a child’s death

There is not a day that has passed in the last 15 years that she is not in my thoughts. She danced into my life for a few brief years and then she jumped off a cliff in Big Sur California. She had dropped her basket and lost her way. Death was the only pain relief method that made sense.

I grieve her loss knowing I will will never hold her in my arms again or that we will never laugh or cry together. She is lost to me and all my pain and sadness will not bring her again to my hearts doorstep.

It is difficult to write about her death and my loss, however that seems to be in the forefront of my mind today and until I get this out of my craw no other words will appear.

Her loss was shattering but the thought of why it happened and who I blame is a whole other story.

Suicide is a subject that is overwhelming to deal with. A mother, 2 sisters and then my daughter. The word suicide plunges into my mind like a hot poker. The struggle not to blame her husband is a Gordian Knot out of which no truth emerges. In my heart I fight the thought that he murdered her.

I’m not saying he used a gun, a knife or even his fists. He did it with words and horrendous emotional battering. I watched helplessly for years as her beat down her joy, her loving nature and ultimately the last shred of her self worth. If that isn’t murder I don’t know what is.

For reasons that defy my understanding she was drawn to cruel, narcissistic and venal men. She knew better and could not stop making that choice over and over again. Once she told me “Mommy I think I’m just a bum magnet. If there is a nice guy next door you can believe I will fall for the asshole in the next town.” Neither one us of understood the dynamic. As the years have gone by since her death my understanding of Karma has deepened and I have found solace in the mystery of the lifetimes of cause and effect that dictate our present day actions.

I don’t even know why I’m writing about this today. All I know is that a wave of grief has suddenly subsumed me in its wake and I am gone to the salty sea of grief and emptiness.

This terrible sinking feeling will pass in a day or two and I will wend my way back to balance and happiness light. But today oh my dear Lord the black and grey is my smothering mental blanket.

Only these words matter in this moment “Oh my dearest heart, not a day goes by that the thought of your beauty and resonance does not arise in my mind. You will always be my most beloved girl.”

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